I have always felt like a winner…at least till sometime ago. Lately there’s something not right….actually a whole lot of things which are not right or something that is going fine ending completely wrong. Somewhere I had read my horoscope which stated that if July was bad then August will seem like it’s crashing down. Don’t know how true it turns out to be (I hope it doesn’t any further) but then it is as if I the peace escapes just like sand does from one’s fist. I try hard to grab it…to make sure it stays. Yet it keeps slipping out of my hands. However, hard I try.

Have you ever had the feeling of being suffocated? Or felt that you are trapped in that box with a lock with no place to escape. Giving no room to breathe or any outlet to escape. Suffocated I am feeling. I have so much inside me yet nothing to share.

I feel like crying out loud, scream like crazy….yet nothing comes out. Why is everything so stiffled? Whom to blame? God? Destiny? or Me?

It’s as if the dreams I had made are being washed away by the waves…just like the wordings of the song below mention:

Khoyi khoyi si hoon main
Kyun yeh dil ka haal hai
Dhundli saari khwaab hai
Ulja har khayaal hai
Saari kaliyan murja gayi
Rang unke yaadon mein beh gaye
Saare gharaande reet ke
Lehrein aayi, lehron mein beh gayi

Raah mein kal kitni chirag the
Saamne kal phoolon ki bhaag thi
Iss se kahun kaun hai jo sune
Kaante hi kyun maine hai chune
Sapne mere kyun hai kho gaye
Jaage hai kyun dil mein gumm mere
Saare kaliyan murja gayi
Rang unke yaadon mein beh gaye
Saare gharaande reet ke
Lehrein aayi, lehron mein beh gayi

Na na na ..

Kya kahun kyun yeh dil udaas hai
Ab koi door hai na paas hai
Choo le jo dil woh baatein ab kahan
Woh din kahan raatein ab kahan
Jo bhi dhakhal hai ab khawab sa
Ab dil mera hai betaab sa
Saari kaliyan murja gayi
Rang unke yaadon mein beh gaye
Saare gharaande reet ke
Lehrein aayi, lehron mein beh gayi, beh gaye…

And Life continues….

Hai dil ko teri aarzoo
Par main tujhe naa paa sakoon
Hai dil ko teri justjoo
Par main tujhe naa paa sakoon
Main hoon shab tuu subah
Dono jud ke judaa
Main hoon lab tuu dua
Dono jud ke judaa
Saajnaa… Mahiyaa… SaajnaVe

Kaee khwaab dil tujhko lekar sajaaye
Par khauff yeh bhi kahiin par sataaye
Gar ye bhi toote toh phir hoga kya re
Mujhe raas aati hain khushiyaan kahaa re
Kyon dil ko dukhana bevajah SaajnaVe
Kyon dil ko dukhana bevajah
Phir aansoon bahaana ik dafaa…
Main hoon shab tuu subah
Dono jud ke judaa
Main hoon lab tuu dua
Dono jud ke judaa
Saajnaa… Mahiyaa… SaajnaVe

Tuu hi toh har pal bandha hain lamhon ki in zanjeeron me
Tuu hi toh har dum raha hain khwaabon ki har tabeeron me
Tuu hi toh har din dikha hain dhundli ya ujli tasveeron me
Teri hi toh hain khushboo mujhme haan SaajnaaVe
Teri hi toh hain khushboo mujhme haan…
Ab tuu hi toh har soon har jagah…
Main hoon shab tuu subah
Dono jud ke judaa
Main hoon lab tuu dua
Dono jud ke judaa
Saajnaa… Mahiyaa… SaajnaVe

Haan tera saaya toh main hoon
Par sang tere naa reh sakoon
Haan is safar me toh main hoon
Par sang tere naa ruk sakoon
Main hoon shab tuu subah
Dono jud ke judaa
Main hoon lab tuu dua
Dono jud ke judaa
Saajnaa… Mahiyaa… SaajnaVe

(For once Mika’s voice is not annoying…love the lyrics.)

There is a smile on my face yet the twinkle missing from the eye. The walk there…..but the spring amiss. With so much at hand….yet empty handed. So much happiness around….but just a fleeting glimpse of it for me. I am no doubt luckier than a lot others…yet luck just manages to give the slip in things that matter the most right now. Everything exists but I only experience a momentary existence of it all.

I have a problem, which I now classify as a disorder. A disorder which does make me feel weird to myself. The problem at hand is that I remember too much. Memories dating from years and years on, of moments ranging from junior year of school to college and then now. I remember places, times, dates, events, moments which are not even events. What people said, when they said, how they said, what they were wearing, exact location etc etc.

It is not that I try and remember these moments and incidents, they just stay engraved, embossed, imprinted and all the words that can describe to such effect automatically. Even if i try to forget them, yet they refuse to leave my side or rather my mind. Often I hear from those around me that you choose to remember and you choose to forget. In moments of analysis and trying to figure out why this happens and how I remember things, I have realized that I do not make a conscious effort  to remember them, they just do not leave my side. Or to put it the other way around somewhere deep down I do not wish to forget them. Either ways it is me who is at the focal point and the turmoil center is of course my mind.

Now when I think over it, I am tilting towards the realization that maybe it is me who does not want to let go of these memories. Letting go…is it that easy? It isn’t easy at all, somewhere we don’t want to let go of them. The void they leave behind is what causes the pain not remembering them but the feeling that those times which brought smiles won’t be there any longer. Of course each past moment is replaced with a new and futuristic one so on and so forth. Yet, the impact and effect the past ones leave is irreplaceable.

The current state of my mind is that I am in a bubble. A Memory Bubble. Memories surround me, envelop me, wrap their arms around me and hug me forever. Hugs which are so warm that I just want to stay there and not be let loose or even want the bubble to burst. I want to freeze moments. I wish I could. I would have gone into the past and frozen lots and lots of moments and stayed there forever. The problem is bizarre. Any suggestions to cure it???

With each passing year a new number is added. With each passing year situations/instances may change, but the emotions remain unchanged. With each passing year the words are more or less the same. With each passing year I add another number and write a post here….to wish my space A HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCRIBBLINGS!!!!

It’s been 6 years and though I come by at intervals sometime long sometime short and sometimes extended breaks, yet my bonding with this space keeps growing stronger. Each year there are a series of posts relating to various moods, moments, situations, phases and people of my life documented for eternity (or at least till this website keeps functioning ) This time too I hope I keep this place more active! And now I enjoy taking the slice of cake and eating it…yummm!

Till next time..take care and keep smiling!

Changes and only changes…that is what life is all about. Good or bad is testified by time. The moments at time make you happy and then there are times when they leave us sad. Change is the only constant and the ball keeps rolling with every roll creating a new mark and leaving an imprint in our life. Imprints which form a collage in our brain and keep flashing now and then making us smile and at the same time leave a few tears in our eyes. I am not sad neither am very happy. I just have confused and mixed emotions. Life has various ways to test you and will power, guess this is one such way…..of flashing memories, of moments of fun, of smiles and of joy.  Of locations, of places you have been while enjoying those times. Times when it all seemed to be perfect. Guess it was too good to be true and last always. Though I wouldn’t mind freezing the moment in time and stay there forever. The wordings of the song are true…All Good Things Come To An End. Sad yet true!

On a confused note I end this post while listening to the following song:

Hum, rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal yaad aayenge ke ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Till next time take care and keep smiling…:)

A sound brought to the ear drums can cause a flurry of activity….it can cause a few muscles to exercise and stretch into something and spread the infectious effect onto others. Crazy as it may sound, a few words and now am all smiles and passing it onto everyone in sight.

It’s been long since I have smiled the beaming smile that comes from deep within. Am smiling and happy for a very very dear friend.

…..till next time Take Care & Keep Smiling Always!!!!

Is it me or the world refuses to understand the word HOLIDAY?!?!? There have been many a times when I’ve been called a workaholic. I enjoy my work, though it’s somewhat off late on a downward curve. But then again not to digress from the main point, there are times when workaholics need a break too….don’t they?  Start of a long weekend after ages….and I am sleeping….probably dreaming with a faint distant buzzing sound reaching out to me and constantly trying to probe and grasp my attention. I keep ignoring it…but it’s persistence increases and increases and finally reaches a point when ignoring it is highly impossible. Focusing my attention towards the sound I proceed to find it’s source and voila!  it is my phone and it is a client who has called approximately 5 times in a span of 10 minutes!!! Oh well..I pick the call up…hear and respond something groggily to a question which didn’t qualify as a question at all in the first place and could have easily waited till Monday morning..but that unfortunately doesn’t happen. So after giving the answer and disconnecting the call..I see the time….just 7:45 am. Even if it wasn’t a holiday…some patience to a respectable time would have been highly appreciated. Nonetheless….moving on… I drop back to bed to catch a few more winks but the peaceful sleep I was in was lost. Sometime later I go around to getting ready in a sort of relaxed manner…to come out to see my phone again with only 10 missed calls….of course all only work related. Clients and a few office people—-now I wonder how many of them would take calls on their off days?!?!?!? Anyways proceeding with my plans for the day I meet my friends and have barely said a hi-hello to them my phone rings again….another call! The story continues and am out having lunch…and again, no points for guessing there ..yup calls and 2 of them back to back…clear indications of being busy are lost. Guess the illegal network towers en route to being torn down in Delhi may have affected the reception of human beings as well. Okay let’s put these calls aside..i finish the yummy lunch over lots of talk.

It’s coffee time (barely 30-45 minutes from lunch) and my phone rings again…again office….loud conversations fill my backdrop..their attempts to reach out the person on the phone and get the point across that I am out and busy were of course futile. A 10 minute long conversation again of no life threat emergency continued.

In a span of my 4 hours out of the house with friends…I must have spent approximately 30 or 45 odd minutes on the phone. I don’t mind the calls but whatever happened to letting people unwind and letting people enjoy their day off??? Guess it’s too much to ask for when you work. After a point it got unnerving and I was kind of irritated. But then not much of a choice we have…do we?

This is one full moon night which would be difficult to forget…a special moment captured and lost at the same time. Check it out here.

Sometimes I wonder if this is God’s way of testing my patience or just my karma….the things I want to go away from keep coming back to me…. not once, not twice byt always. Why can’t these things stop happening? Why do things have to keep coming back? Why can’t this whole cycle stop repeating again and again? Oh Why? Will this ordeal ever end?